When someone you care about is having a hard time, we want to be able to help them. Our resources equip you to better connect with or support someone in need.
Supporting someone experiencing mental distress and/or illness
When someone you know is experiencing mental distress or illness, it’s okay to connect with them to offer aroha and support. The person may tell you directly how they are feeling, or you may see, feel or sense that something isn't quite right with them or that their behaviour has changed.
You don’t need any special training to support someone – you just need to be able to listen to them. You can reassure the person that they’re not alone, that you care about them, and that support is available (and you can help them to access that support).
| 'Mental distress’ describes troubling, confusing or out-of-the-ordinary thoughts, feelings and behaviours that a person may experience. They may not feel like their ‘usual selves’. These thoughts, feelings or behaviours may persist over a period of time and disrupt daily life. Mental distress is a common part of life – one in five people in Aotearoa experience it every year. |
| ‘Mental illness’ describes a formal mental health diagnosis someone receives from a psychiatrist, such as an anxiety or schizophrenia diagnosis. If a person doesn’t have a formal mental illness diagnosis, don’t use this term to describe their experiences. |
When you spend time caring for someone else it’s important to take care of yourself too. Supporting someone through mental distress or illness can be challenging. You will need to look after your own wellbeing to make sure you have the energy, time and perspective to be there for them. See our information below for self-care tips.
It can feel scary or intimidating to offer support to someone you care about when they are experiencing mental distress or illness. You might feel worried you’ll say or do the wrong thing, but showing care and empathy can make a real difference. Often, the most important thing you can do is simply be there for them.
Give the person your time, and be present without judgement.
Find somewhere relaxing, private and quiet to have the kōrero with them — make sure there are no distractions.
This can help you to understand their perspective on their mental health experiences. Be gentle and compassionate.
Let your loved one talk at their own pace. Don’t pressure them to talk if they’re not ready. Repeat back what they’ve said to make sure you understand. Ask open-ended questions. See our resource ‘How to have a safe and supportive kōrero’ for more guidance.
Don’t judge them — you may not agree with or understand what they’re experiencing, but accept that their experiences are real and true for them. Talking about difficult feelings or experiences takes a lot of courage.
Don't try to diagnose what they’re experiencing, second-guess their feelings, or be too quick to offer solutions. Just listen and ask them how you can best support their needs.
Ask the person what brings them joy or makes them feel good. You could help them to fill in their safety or wellbeing plan. Let them make the decisions.
Offer to make an appointment and/or go with them to see a GP, counsellor or another mental health or health professional. Read about finding a GP or healthcare provider.
Do something that you both enjoy, like a walk, sport, hobby, etc. Taking a break can help relieve pressure, grow your relationship, and provide time to adjust to what's going on.
If you think someone may be suicidal, ask them. It could save their life. Talking about suicide will not put the thought in their head. Read about suicidality.
There may be times when the person you’re supporting might not want to talk with you. Try not to take this personally. They may feel more comfortable talking with someone who is not close to them (e.g. a counsellor or a GP).
Likewise, you may not be in the right space at this time to offer support, and that’s okay. Ask if there’s someone else (e.g. another whānau member or friend) the person could talk with, or if you can help connect them with an organisation or person they trust (e.g. a faith leader, counsellor or kaumatua). See our Help section for further information.
Sometimes people in distress may not want to discuss what's going on with anyone else or seek support. While difficult to accept, this is their current choice.They may change their mind at some point. If you're worried for them and it's impacting your wellbeing, please get support for yourself.
“My whānau were always there for me. Always ready to hear about the strange things happening in my mind. What was going on scared me. But to have the rock of my family helped me through. I didn’t understand all the unusual thoughts and perceptions that were playing out in my mind but to have a solid foundation beneath me, helped me to pull through.”
There are lots of practical things you can do to support someone when they’re ready to seek help from a healthcare professional. For example, you could:
“If you understand more about what someone with mental distress may be going through, then you’ll be more aware of the impact that your words and actions can have on others.”
Self-harm or self-injury is the direct, deliberate act of hurting or injuring your body. Often, a person self-harms as they believe it will help them cope with intense, difficult emotions, overwhelming situations and life events. Someone self-harming does not necessarily want to die but is instead responding to emotional pain or attempting to communicate how they’re feeling to others.
If you have noticed scars, marks, or behaviours in someone that concern you (but you are not sure whether the person is self-harming) talk with them. Ask them if they would like to talk about what’s going on for them and be patient.
For more information about self-harm and guidance on how to support someone who is self-harming visit our ‘Self-harm’ page.
Caring for a tamariki/child or rangatahi/young person experiencing mental distress or illness can be tough for parents, caregivers and wider whānau. Many tamariki and rangatahi may experience mental distress or illness at some stage in their lives, and while some issues may resolve with time, others may need additional support.
You know your tamariki better than anyone. If you're worried about them, first ask yourself: ‘Has there been a significant change in their behaviour?’ If so, consider:
Signs that your child may be upset or worried about something can include:
The tips listed in the ‘How to offer support’ section above can also be used by parents or caregivers supporting tamariki and rangatahi.
If you're worried about, or unsure of how to help, your child, don't hesitate to reach out for advice or guidance – there is support out there. Talk to your GP, school counsellor, or mental healthcare professional, or call a helpline (visit our ‘How to access help' section for more information).
“I found having the support of a family member helpful when going through services, as it’s not something I could have done alone in my youth. Services may have changed now, but when I was younger, they felt very overwhelming and intimidating.”
Teach tamariki about their mental health and wellbeing from a young age. Vital skills that can be learnt from a young age include:
Parents, caregivers, whānau, schools, kura, early childhood centres, tertiary institutes, sports clubs and community groups can all play a part in developing the skills that tamariki and rangatahi need to support good mental health and wellbeing, both for themselves and for others.
Find out more about our education-based wellbeing campaigns, programmes and resources here.
Supporting someone you care about with their mental distress and/or illness can be stressful – and sometimes even physically and emotionally demanding.
You need to take care of yourself if you want to be there for someone else.
Here are some key strategies to help with self-care:
You may be the only one supporting the person or you may have had to take on extra responsibilities that can cause you financial, mental or physical stress (e.g. picking up extra household tasks, childcare responsibilities or having to cover extra bills).
Try to:
“My son was experiencing mental distress and drug use. I attended a family and friends alcohol and drugs support group where the first questions the facilitator asked were 'why are you here?', and 'what does this situation mean for you?'. At first, I thought ‘obviously we're here because we're concerned’. But after hearing others’ responses, I realised our concerns could be about many things, including personal feelings around alcohol or drug use or past pain and trauma. It was important to discover what was underlying our concerns, so we could connect with and be present for the person we were supporting, rather than being overwhelmed by fears about what may happen.”
Having suicidal thoughts and finding a way back
For people who are managing their own suicidal thoughts or feelings
Personal safety plan
A helpful tool to keep you safe when you’re experiencing suicidal thoughts or are going through tough times and feel like you can’t cope
Are you worried someone is thinking of suicide?
Advice for families, whānau and friends who are worried about the suicide risk of someone close to them
Don't give up postcard
A postcard to remind you that people care about you
Chur! All good, bro?
Tips on how to kōrero/talk with your friend who is going through a rough patch
Ko wai ahau
A personal safety plan for rangatahi/youth.
Ko wai ahau step poster
A poster that shows the steps involved in using a personal safety plan for rangatahi/young people
Connecting through kōrero
How to talk safely about suicide with rangatahi/young people in your life
Tihei mauri ora: Supporting whānau through suicidal distress
Information for whānau and friends to support someone in crisis or distress
Your guide to planning a safe suicide prevention event
A guide to help you plan and run a safe suicide prevention event
After a suicide postcard
A5 card. Self-care and how to cope in the days and weeks after losing someone to suicide.
Funerals in Aotearoa after a death by suicide (guidance for providers)
For those leading a funeral or hui mate for a person who died by suicide.
Takatāpui: Part of the whānau
A resource for takatāpui - a traditional Māori term meaning ‘intimate companion of the same sex’ - and their whānau
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