Supporting someone after a suicide attempt

When you first find out someone you know has tried to take their own life, you might feel lots of different things. Shock, grief, hurt, anger, guilt and even numbness – however you’re feeling is okay.

If you’re close to the person and are one of their main support people, make sure you have people around you who can help you get through. Caring for someone else while they’re going through something so painful can be difficult – you need support and aroha too.

For a while, life will be different. It’s normal to feel fearful, ashamed or confused. With time and the right support you will both get through this.

Unfortunately, recovery from a suicide attempt can be both physically and mentally challenging. The person you’re supporting may still be experiencing suicidal distress. Find out how to help them through this here.

If you are recovering from your own suicide attempt, we have information for you here.

How you can help

Immediately after a suicide attempt:

Call your local mental health crisis assessment team or go with them to the emergency department (ED) at your nearest hospital.
If they are an immediate physical danger to themselves or others, call 111.
Stay with them until support arrives.
Remove any obvious means of suicide they might use (e.g. guns, medication, car keys, knives, rope).
Try to stay calm and let them know you care.
Keep them talking: listen and ask questions without judging.
Make sure you are safe.

Suicide: coping with suicidal thoughts

If you’re having thoughts of suicide, you are not alone.

Connecting through kōrero

How to talk safely about suicide with rangatahi/young people in your life

Add to cart

Suicide: worried about someone?

Information to support people worried about, or supporting someone, who is distressed or experiencing suicidality. 

Supporting recovery

When you’re supporting someone who is recovering from a suicide attempt, prepare to be there and stay involved, offer support, listen without judgement and remember this isn’t something you can fix.

You might need to be prepared to have difficult conversations about what's going on in their life and how they are feeling.

If they don’t already have a safety plan, ask them if they would be comfortable working with you to create one. It’s important for you both (as well as anyone else supporting them) to know what to do and where to go if they become suicidal again. We have a free template you can use here.

Keep talking to them and don’t avoid talking about suicide or the hard things in their life (but make sure this isn’t the only thing you talk to them about).
Don't give up on them and try not to lose contact with them, even if it seems like they are ignoring you.
Help them feel there is hope of things getting better – identify positive things in their life.
If they don’t want to talk with you, ask other people you both trust to support them – friends, family or whānau members, youth workers or others.
Help them to access professional help, like a doctor or counsellor. You could offer to go with them or help them to make appointments.
Let them know about free counselling services – and remember these services are there for you, too.
Support them to do the things they enjoy, keep physically active and connect with others.
Help them identify any ways they can change their lifestyle to restore balance. This might mean cutting back on alcohol or drugs, doing some exercise, making time for themselves, or getting enough sleep.
Accept them for who they are and let them know you care.
When they're ready, support them to make plans for their future, solve problems and set goals.

What not to do

Don’t use words like “unsuccessful” or “failed” when talking about someone’s suicide attempt. This language is very unhelpful. Instead, just use “suicide attempt” or “attempted to take their own life.”
Don’t ask about how they harmed themselves unless it’s necessary for you to know to keep them safe. If you don’t know them well or aren’t part of their core support network, you don’t need to know what method they used. Talking about methods of suicide can be extremely distressing and triggering – for you and for the other person.
Try not to make them feel guilty or blamed (don’t say “how could you do this to me?”)
Don’t give up on them – hold onto hope for them until they can hold it with you.

Self-care

Remember to take care of yourself when you are caring for others:

Make sure you’re getting enough sleep, eating properly and exercising.
Be kind to yourself and take time out when you need to. This can be very difficult – remember you can’t do everything.
Connect with or build your support system – this might involve talking to your kaumātua or kuia, a spiritual leader, a counsellor or trusted friends and whānau.

Five ways to wellbeing

The Five Ways to Wellbeing, Ētahi ara e rima ki te ngākau ora, help people stay mentally well.

Support for myself

Get resources for coping, self-care, and recovery, with guidance on when and how to seek professional help and more.

Community support groups

Find free mental health support groups in your area.

Build a support network

It’s important to involve others to help you and the person you're supporting – don't try to do everything yourself.

Ask the person you're supporting to tell you what they need, what works for them and who should be involved. Make sure you listen to their needs but be clear that you can’t be the only person supporting them – they need to choose three to five other people to join the support team.
Your support network might include kaumātua, kuia, cultural elders, religious leaders or community groups, as well as friends, family and whānau. It might include people who have been through something similar to the person you're supporting, and can share how they got through it.
Bring the group together in a safe space.
Talk openly and honestly about the situation.
Talk to the person you’re supporting about what they will do if they feel suicidal again, how they plan to keep safe, and how others can help with this.
Develop a plan together to support the person – identify how different people can help. Get professional help if you need it. Talk to your local doctor, medical centre, community mental health team or counselling services.

Asking ‘why’

When someone you know tries to take their own life, most people want to know why.

Firstly, it’s important to understand they may not know why they wanted to end their own life.

They might feel confused at first.

Some of the reasons people have given for attempting suicide have included:

The situation was so unbearable, I couldn’t think of an alternative.
I felt trapped. There was no other way I could get away.
I was just so agitated and completely on the edge all the time, I needed to do something.
I felt overwhelmed and out of control.
I needed to get help and let others know how desperate I felt.
I felt like a failure and a burden. I just wanted to make it easier for those around me.
I don’t know why I did it.

Although it might become clearer as time goes on, you may never truly understand what led to them trying to take their own life. They may not want you to know or they may never be able to explain it.

They may be okay with talking to you or someone else about it or they may want to keep it private.

While it’s understandable to look for answers, it’s not helpful for this to be your main focus.

Resources and links

Tihei mauri ora: Supporting whānau through suicidal distress

Information for whānau and friends to support someone in crisis or distress

Supporting someone else

Add to cart

Are you worried someone is thinking of suicide?

Advice for families, whānau and friends who are worried about the suicide risk of someone close to them

Suicide prevention

Add to cart

Having suicidal thoughts and finding a way back

For people who are managing their own suicidal thoughts or feelings

Suicide prevention

Add to cart