He says it still doesn’t make sense. Rowdel went missing. There was a search and he was found by a tohunga in a bush area.
“They brought him back here in a closed coffin. I never got see him, which was hard because he was my only brother.”
Jistar is 26, a patched Mongrel Mob member living in Napier with his partner and three children. He still struggles with the guilt.
“I’m always stuck with why. I used to blame myself, then blame the people who he was staying with and my mum – just blame everyone. I wasn’t there for him. I was the older brother. He should have come to me with his problems. We were always in touch via text or a phone call.”
What does he want to say to his brother? “You came to me for everything else – when you needed me to beat somebody up. Or when somebody pissed you off and you needed somewhere to stay. Or when he needed someone to buy his alcohol. He came to me.”
Until recently he would never talk about his brother. “I don’t know why. Scared. Angry. Not talking. That’s what builds more anger.”