Helping whānau and friends through the tough times

Opening up the kōrero about distressing thoughts and feelings or manawa pā can seem like the hardest part. It’s normal to feel ninipa/awkward both if you’re experiencing these feelings, or if you’re asking someone you aroha/love about their own.

Before you open the kōrero, it’s important to put on your own oxygen mask first. Supporting someone you care about through a tough time can be challenging, so it’s important to look after your own oranga/wellbeing so you have the energy, wā/time and perspective to be there for them, too. 

 You can have a kōrero by:

• Just opening the kōrero. There’s no right way to start, but an open-ended pātai/question such as “I’ve noticed you’re not yourself lately” can work a treat. Sometimes it can be easier to start a kōrero when you’re already doing something together, such as going for a hīkoi/walk or eating kai.
• Validating their feelings and really whakarongo/listening to what they are saying. Try to see things from their point of view and understand what might be causing their manawa pā or triggered thoughts and emotions. Listen carefully to how they describe their manawa pā and ask open-ended questions to help them describe their experiences further. Accept your loved one’s experiences as real and true for them.
• Giving and taking in the kōrero. Ask them about how they’re feeling and share how you’re feeling too. This takes the pressure off the conversation and can help your loved one feel they’re contributing and have advice of their own to share. 
• Echo back what you’re hearing. During your kōrero, it’s important to echo or hapahapai/repeat key points your whānau member or loved one is saying when they kōrero about their manawa pā. This will help to clarify what you’re hearing and help you both to come up with constructive solutions.

When our whānau are experiencing manawa pā/distressing thoughts and emotions, it’s tempting to pīrangi/want to get stuck in to help them - boots and all. This is because our own mānukanuka/anxious feelings kick in and we want to protect them from the manawa pā they’re experiencing. 

However, big gestures or responses are not always helpful. If your loved one has been experiencing manawa pā for a while, these big gestures can seem disrespectful to the personal growth, mātauranga/wisdom and tools they’ve developed along the way.

If your whānau member or hoa/friend is in immediate danger to their safety, please dial 111.

Instead, you can tautoko/support them by:

• Asking them if you can help, and how. Your whānau member or hoa may pīrangi/want or not want your tautoko and may have already developed some effective tools to manage their manawa pā. As long as these tools are not a danger to their safety, respect their decisions, trust them to know what’s best for them and don’t give advice unless they ask for it. If you’re unsure if these practices are safe, call Supporting Families for a second opinion.
• Being realistic about what you can offer. We all have our own personal limits around what we can and can’t do, so it’s important not to kī taurangi/promise more than you can give and to follow through on any offers you make. Remember that small, simple things can help, and that just being there for your whānau or hoa is probably helping a lot.
• Picking your battles and keeping your expectations realistic. Right now is a really hard time for many of us, and experiencing manawa pā or distressing emotions can make it that much harder. Ask yourself what expectations around your loved one you can let go of right now. Is now a good time to fight over a messy room, or the takeaways they bought last night? Over time new manawa pā may present themselves, too, so it’s important to take things one step at a time and adjust your expectations as things develop.
• Owning your own mataku/fear around their oranga/wellbeing. Although your whānau member or hoa might be experiencing manawa pā, it’s not uncommon for tautoko/support people to feel fear, too – and that fear is our own. When talking about your concerns with your loved one, try to describe how you’re feeling rather than making a judgment on what they should or shouldn’t do. For example, you could say, “I am finding myself getting worried about how much sleep you are getting, and wondered if we talk about what is keeping you up so late?” rather than asking them to sleep more and not stay up late at night.

Providing tautoko/support for our loved ones can be hard on our own oranga/wellbeing and cause our own mānukanuka/anxious thoughts. It’s important to put some tools in place for both you and your loved one to use when you need to.

You can provide ongoing tautoko/support for your loved one by:

• Checking in, before stepping in. When we’ve provided tautoko for our loved one’s manawa pā/distressing emotions for a while, we can start to only look out for signs that things are going wrong. Try to spend as much time looking for signs that things are going right – that your loved one is becoming more settled, confident or their usual selves again too – it’s just as important and you might not need to step in. Sometimes, stepping back can be harder than stepping in.
• Sharing the manaakitanga/care. Like most things, it’s often easier to support a loved one with the help of someone else. Think about how you could connect with friends and whānau who can help, even if it’s just to listen, share a karakia or tell a funny joke now and then. Think about who you know and what they could offer.
• Reaching out to hauora hinengāro/mental health services. Most hauora hinengāro services are back up and running. Check out our resource on what support services are available for guidance. 
• Finding your own outlets for self-care. If you’re feeling overwhelmed or low in ngoi/energy, taking some time for yourself can be refreshing and help you to put things in perspective. Taking time out also demonstrates effective coping strategies to others in your whānau. Try taking a hīkoi/walk outside, watching your favourite Netflix show or talking to a hoa/friend or whānau member you trust. If you’re not sure who to reach out to, you can free-call 1737 to speak to a trained counsellor at any time of the day or night. 

These sage pieces of advice or mātauranga are from people who’ve “been there, done that” – people who have lived and are successfully managing their way through mental distress and trauma. They’ve been both supported by, and supporters for, their own loved ones through their manawa pā or distressing thoughts and emotions over the years.

“People all over Aotearoa will be experiencing distressing thoughts, feelings and bodily responses due to the sudden changes we've been through. For those of us with histories of distress, we have a lens that means we may see our understandable reactions as indicators of "getting sick" which carries an increased fear of the consequences of 'crisis', further exacerbating our stress. Just because these experiences may feel similar to the intense crisis experiences we have had, they are not necessarily the same.”

“We are wise, we have learnt along the way the things that help and the things that don't. Supporters that anchor us into these assets will see us shine as we connect to our wisdom. If we have new learning to gain, supporting us to find what we need may mean that they also find what they need along the journey.”

E leai se gaumata’u, na o le gaualofa. What you do out of fear will not survive, but what you do out of love will endure (alagaupu Samoa/Samoan proverb). 

Phone numbers to support you and your whānau

• If your whānau member or hoa/friend is in immediate danger to their safety, please dial 111, or 105 for non-emergencies
• Text or call 1737 for a team of free, trained counsellors who are available 24/7
• Call 0800 ANXIETY (269 4389) for specific questions around your or your loved ones’ mānukanuka/anxious feelings
• Call or visit Supporting Families New Zealand’s website for support for the whole whānau 
• Call 0800 POUNAMU (768 626) to talk to someone about you or your loved ones’ hauora hinengāro/mental health or join an online hui
• Call Asian Family Services on 0800 862 342 if you are looking to reach out to someone from a similar culture or are not fluent in English
• Call Vaka Tautua on 0800 825 282 to have a phone talanoa/conversation about what you or your loved are going through from a Pasifika perspective
• If you or your loved one are also living with addictions, call 0800 787 797 for more support

See our helplines resource for more numbers.

Websites and online tools

• Use Just Ask, Just Listen’s tips on opening the kōrero around manawa pā/distressing thoughts and emotions
• Watch this video by Tangata Pasifika on how to spot if someone in your family is experiencing manawa pā/distressing thoughts and emotions